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5 Paragraph Satire Essay On Global Warming

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A Persuasive Essay On Global Warming

Courtnie Mustain

As an ardent capitalist and environmentalist, I believe that there are a multitude of unique opportunities that will emerge in U.S coastal cities due to rising water levels. This emerging market of governments and people who are terrified of rising sea levels will offer the opportunity to make thousands of dollars in profits.

Due to their desperation to preserve their cities, individuals will be willing to spend large amounts of money to build giant walls and levees that are worth billions of dollars, which will eventually be overwhelmed by extreme weather and rising sea levels. But that’s going to happen in 50-60 years, so we will let the next generation deal with that. Any company that manages to land that contract will gain billions of dollars in profit, a hefty sum that will outweigh any lawsuits that are brought after the levees eventually fail due to rising sea levels. Insurance companies will also reap the benefit as they raise premiums to deal with the increased flooding risks. Smart builders and real estate agents will be able to be able to make a profit selling and renting houses, then getting out of the market it as it goes underwater, literally. The tops of high rises and skyscrapers are sure to become attractive waterfront properties. Beach volleyball and swimming on top of the Empire State Building anybody?

As investors, we should promote more construction of high rises in order to insure we get some use out of the property once the water rises. As long as the base doesn’t collapse due to water damage and shifting currents, it should work out beautifully. Anybody that suggests that properties should be built in places in that don’t flood or won’t be underwater in the next 50-60 years is just being a defeatist. It is the modern tradition to never give up and find a solution to everything. Did we give up when faced with building the Panama Canal? No, we used our ingenuity to conquer nature and will do so again.

Speaking of the environment, submerged cities will help displace some of the environmental damage that humans have caused by providing new habitat for aquatic animals. As coral reefs die off, animals will need alternative habitats, manmade or natural. Submerged cities will provide an alternative, offering rest and respite for weary displaced animals. Animals will also get a healthy dose of chemicals released from factories, allowing the survival of the fittest to play out much faster. The animals that can’t process the chemicals as effectively will die faster, leaving those that can process the chemicals behind. There may even be a mutation in some creatures’ genes, creating fish that may have supernatural abilities like flying or being able to swim upside down. The submerged cities will also create a tourist industry, which will provide revenue to the states. This will help pay subsidies to all the people that were displaced by rising sea levels and stuffed into a smaller space.

As for those that say that we should attack the root of the problem by combating climate change: according to Florida’s state government, climate change does not exist and is not a man-made phenomenon, so humanity clearly can’t do anything to affect it. As for the claim that increased levels of CO2 lead to higher worldwide temperatures, that is pure coincidence. The rise in CO2 and the rise in temperature is not related. So since we clearly can’t affect the environment around us, we will just have to let our coastal cities sink into the ocean, never to be seen without scuba goggles again.

letters@chronicle.utah.edu

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